Life as a Disneyland Ride

I haven't been sleeping well. I've certainly been more stressed out than this before.  I've had worse days and weeks.  So there really is no excuse for the restlessness and worry.  Sure, there is plenty on my plate but I do not doubt that all will get done to the best of my ability.  So what is it that is bothering me?

Well, many things.  But I think I've narrowed the biggest thing down to this:

Disneyland rides.

Yes.  I am anxious about Disneyland rides.  (Prepare yourself for the metaphor of the century while I go get my ice cream from the freezer.)

....

Ok.  I'm back. (said with spoon in mouth)

So. Let me ask you.  If the life you wanted to lead were a ride at Disneyland, which one would it be?
And which one are you actually on right now?

Are you Dumbo?  Riding the easy high and lows, pretending you are flying when really there is no risk or height requirement?

Are you the teacups?  Spinning until you make yourself sick, going in circles, convincing yourself that it's fun and trying to make sure your friends don't see that you want to vomit?

Are you Splash Mountain?  Patiently waiting for hours in a line only to have 30 seconds of an exciting drop and then realize that you are back at the bottom where you started?

Are you Space Mountain?  A ride that frequently breaks down (I think I've been to Disneyland three or four times in my life and it was only working once).  And when it does work, you can't see shit, riding blind, loving the speed and spectacle and yet it is over too soon.

Or are you Indiana Jones?  Also a ride that broke down on me.  But the constant new stimulus and fake dangers are rarely boring.  It feels real until you see the mechanics behind the bushes.  But no matter what, you still duck when that boulder comes rolling towards you even though you know it'll never hit you.  You tell yourself you know all the illusions, but your instincts fall for them every time.

Here's my problem.  I've been bouncing for years from Indiana Jones to Space Mountain to Splash Mountain.  I've been envious of the people who live their lives on the Dumbo.  Wishing that were enough for me.  I've been standing in line watching all those lucky people with figurative "fast passes" hop in the line in front of me.  I get on the teacups of life and try to hold on while that one asshole friend spins the cup faster when all I really wanna do is go to the pretzel stand and sit my butt down in the New Orleans quarter.

When I finally get on those rides, I love the highs and lows.  I'm anxious and excited.  And then incredibly depressed when it ends too soon.  And the longer I stay in those lines, and the more I jump on those rides, the more I realize...it isn't that I've chosen the wrong rides.  Maybe it's that I shouldn't choose Rides at all.

Rides are spectacles.  A visually striking performance or display.  But they aren't real.  So many of us chase after the short term goal.  We strive to ride the ride, ignoring the fact that we can see false mechanics beneath the cosmetic camouflage.  That's why there is such disappointment when the ride is over.  It does not fulfill our life on the grand scale.  ...it doesn't matter.

Perhaps this is all too philosophical.  Or ridiculous.  Whatever.  But what I'm trying to say-what has been keeping me up at night- is that I think I may have been at Disneyland too long.  I think it's time to pack up my feelings (which are like overstimulated tantrum entitled toddlers in need of a good swat and a long nap), get back in the car, and go experience something real.  Something of worth.

I have no regrets with how I spent my twenties.  We've ridden many a ride, my personalities and I and bought many a souvenir.  But I feel a complete change of course coming.  I don't know what it is yet.  But there is more out there than fake castles and painted characters.  I want real castles.  I want real characters.  In real people. In real relationships.

Disneyland is a place to visit.  Not live.

Now how do I get off this ride?

A Pat on the Back and a Kick in the Butt

In my summer travels the question had arisen once again on multiple occasions of what my back up plan is or what I'll do after acting. I was once again confused, a little angered, and a whole lot frustrated.  Did they know something I didn't?  Do I ask them what they will do when accounting or being a doctor doesn't work out?  I have been doing this for nearly a decade and I seem to be ok.  Sure I am not on the scale I want to be.  Nowhere near it.  But I am closer than I was yesterday.  And that is a success.  I am happier than I was yesterday.  That is a success.  I am better than I was yesterday.  That is a huge success.  I'm fighting for my better self, to fulfill my potential.  That may be a quixotic ideal.  I may be chasing windmills. I acknowledge that truth.
But, like faith, we chase the windmills without tangible proof of an ideal outcome.  We believe, we strive, and we, or at least I, endeavor to deserve the breeze that blows our way.
I don't know if five years from now I will be an actor, a writer, a director, a teacher, or even the most well educated pole dancer in Tijuana (not likely, but we must leave room for impossibilities) but I do know that where I am and what I'll be will be MY choice.  I reserve that right to change my mind. Or my career.  Or my hair color (as long as it still matches my headshots...).  But their questions give me pause.

As we begin our descent into autumn, we start to look at the year as coming to an end. Which is frightening, really.  What do you mean my birthday is here already?  What do you mean the holidays are approaching?  Who has a paper bag that I can hyperventilate in?  I HAVENT DONE ENOUGH WITH MY LIFE!

This is when I say to you (and especially myself): Remind yourself how awesome you are.  Look at your successes.  Acknowledge the flubs.  And then tell that voice to shut the hell up.

You must always give yourself a pat on the back AND a kick in the butt.

I normally don't recommend looking too far forward or too far back in your life.  It's grounds for trouble.  But once in a while you must evaluate.  Look at your life.  Look at your choices. Ask yourself these questions.  Then answer them.  Here are some of mine to get you started.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING?
Well, Stacy Lynn.  You've volunteered at a charity every Sunday for five months while working three jobs till June.
You worked for a hideously unhappy man who attempted to swallow your self worth whole and instead of cutting him with your homemade shiv and blaming it on the office plant, you learned a huge lesson in humility and found out that 9to5 work in a tax office is on par with what you imagine cleaning toilets with your tongue would be.
But you survived.  And you moved on to your first Shakespeare Festival job as a paid actor in which you looked amazing in a corset and saw a part of the world you never would have seen.  You also got one step closer to defeating your fear of singing in public.  You did all this while raising funds for a huge project that will put your ass on the line.
Then you escaped further from your life and went back to the summer camp that you worked at a decade ago.  One of the few jobs that you regretted how you left, and you mended that fence and rebuilt that bridge.  And damn if that doesn't feel good.
You also spent ten months training for a half marathon in which you knocked ten minutes off your time.  Does your ankle click now and your knees still feel strained?  Absolutely.  But ooooo was it worth it.

You also found closure (or near closure) with three people who left huge gaping wounds in your heart.  In a matter of days, pieces of you that had been missing had appeared again.  They had been hiding behind your brokenness and resentment.  What a beautiful gift from the universe and from yourself for letting that hate go.

Also you've finished a really good first crappy draft of your short film that has helped heal some residual hurt from the passing of your grandma.


WHERE DID YOU GO WRONG?
Now.  This is not to say there were not epic fails or flubs.  You are not where you wish to be health wise.  But you are better than you were.  So. Do better.  Case closed.
You have not managed to find representation or union status.  This is not the end of the world.  But do better.
And that novel you started last year?  Yeah.  Get on it.  It's a good idea.  And it belongs to you.  So few things do.  Finish it.  You'll feel better when you do.
Finally, you have not moved forward in your private life.  Like. At all.  Ok, that's a slight lie.  You've dabbled.  Good for you.  But Do Better.
You are more than your job and where you want to go.  You are a good actor.  But you can only be exceptional if you have a life to draw on.  You can only be great if you allow others to see your ugly side.  So get ugly.  Get dirty.  And let people see it.  Vulnerability is exciting to watch.  And it is honest.  You like "honest."  You respect "honest."

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
So, Stacy Lynn.  Going into the end of this year, keep what you've done close to you.  But not in front of you.  Leave room for moving forward.  Because that's where you are going.  You are producing and starring in Play.Sing.Give.  You are going to find the funds to stay afloat.  You are going to visit your brother in Colorado.  And next year...you are going to get a life.  And move to LA.

Pat on the Back: So good on you, Stacy Lynn.
Kick in the Butt:  Now do better.