Leap of Faith. Don't Tell Me to Slow Down.

There's a first time for everything.  This, right now, would be the first time that I've sat at my computer and not known how to begin a blog.  I'm so muddled with what I want to say that all I do is start a sentence and then delete it.  I lack focus.  Which is a sign that I'm burning out. 

I'll admit it.  This year is NOT turning out the way I thought it would.   I don't know why I had expected or hoped that things would flow easier than they have.  I think that was rather naive and silly of me. 

  I fully admit I've pushed myself to the brink.  I have heard from many people lately that I'm pushing too hard, I need to slow down, that I need to take a break, blah blah blah.  Rest assured, people, I hear you.  But you have to understand, that's not what I want to hear.

You see, what I really need to hear right now, is that I CAN do it.  I put limits on myself all the time and right now, I need to try and expand them.  I need to see how far I can go.  All this time I've thought that I've needed humility and to lower my pride when in actuality, I've done nothing but sell myself short my entire life.  I need to believe that I am more than what I see and know.  I need to live my worth.  And I won't be able to do that unless I challenge myself to the fullest of my abilities.
 
I need my friends to believe in me.  I need them to help me or keep their doubts to themselves.   I need to believe that my dreams are valid and possible.  Because they are. 

When people tell me to slow down, postpone, or "just breathe", well, it feels patronizing.  I know that 90% of the time, that's just not true.  But it feels like it.  I think that's because I take it (subconsciously or consciously) as a sign of doubt.  Or validation of the my own internal voice that says I am mediocre and that I can't do something. 

A friend once asked what it was that drives me.  Why do I push, run, work so hard?  I said, a person is usually driven out of fear of something.  My fear is of being mediocre.   Of never excelling at anything.  Of never being enough for myself.

I'd say those are biggies.  I'd say that's enough to drive anyone as hard as I drive myself. 

Now before the uproar of "Stacy you are crazy!  You are too hard on yourself!" stuff starts, listen.  Don't be mistaken.  I know how awesome I am.  But I know we are always an evolving entity.  I know that God has put us on this earth only once.  And I'm not about to waste that gift by sitting on my laurels and eating Doritos watching reruns of Full House.  I want to believe in myself enough that I take chances, learn the things I want to learn, and stop being so afraid all the time.  Because I am. 

I want to be able to do a job and know I'm great at it and feel good when I go home.  I want to be with someone and know that they are just as lucky to be with me as I am with them. I want to live in the present and like it.  I can't do that sitting still.  Not right now.

Right now, my "present" is not so great.  A lot of my "survival" jobs this year have really shown me that I've sold myself short.  Like, oompa-loompa short.  And that's gotta stop.  I've kept these jobs because it has given me wonderful flexibility and a handful of people that are very supportive.  But at the same time, there have also been a handful of people or situations that make me go home and dislike myself and them and the universe at large.  My qualifications do not match my paygrade.  I allow people to disrespect me and put up with their tantrums when nothing is keeping me in those positions but myself.  Yes, it scares me to leave comfort.  Especially since I have so little of it.  But I know what I feel and what I believe.  I know that this is also a test of Faith.

The definition of faith is the complete belief in someone or something.  I think it may be time that I have Faith in myself and in God.  That I will be provided for if I take a leap and move on. 
The only way to be "more" than this lifestyle I lead, is to change and live a lifestyle that is "more" than this.  The only way to not be treated like an underling, is to not allow yourself to be treated like an underling.  This may mean that you lose security, comfort, friends, colleagues, etc.  But I think it would make me sleep better at night.  And I think it would get me off this hamster wheel that I'm on. 

We always assume that if we make a big change, it will be negative.  We assume the world is much smaller than it actually is. But what if we take a leap, a leap of Faith, and we land somewhere even better?  Maybe, just maybe, we could land where we were always meant to be. 

I am co-producing a Play. And I'm scared sh*tless.

A bum on the subway once tried to buy me for a dollar.  I could have taken it as flattery, I suppose.  His last dollar and he wants to use it on me.  Or I could have been insulted.  How dare he think I only cost a buck!  Instead, I turned away from him and pondered what on earth gave him the impression that I was a hooker.  Was the sweatshirt I was wearing that evening too revealing? Was it because he was there for my 2nd semester of AMDA when all I was cast as was the Madam of the brothel?
During said pondering, the bum decided that he would put his hands on my bum.  Now.  Here's the point to the story.  You never know whether you are a fight or flight kind of person until your instincts are tested.  At that moment of supreme shock, one would either A) scream and run. Begging some big burly man to be your knight in shining armor.  or B) pivot, turn, clench your fists, cock back your arm, and pummel the bum.  Well, apparently B is my go to instinctual choice.  Luckily I had friends with me who did the "Mommy arm" and blocked me from getting to him.  After I had cooled down I thought about those reflexes and nodded, "good to know."
I'm not a huge advocate for violence.  Actually, I think it would've been incredibly stupid to have attacked that bum.  But it is always good to know how one works internally.

I bring this up because I'm putting myself in a huge Fight or Flight situation.  My goal is to produce and act in one of my favorite plays this Fall.  I want it to be good. Great. Stellar.  I want it to make money that will then go to charity.  I want to attempt to use the "dark" days of the theatre as a Cabaret platform for emerging artists who need a space to perform but don't have the funds to rent one and don't want to ask their friends for a friggin' two drink minimum.
This will be a huge challenge for me.  It will make me incredibly uncomfortable.  It will demand time, money, and networking that I don't necessarily have but will have to find.  It will put me in a place of failing.  Big.
It will make me ask for help from people that I'm not sure I can count on.  I will risk being disappointed if things don't work out.  People might say NO.  For someone who rarely depends on others, this will be almost unbearable.
I will have to do much of this while working three jobs, travelling around the country, training for a half marathon, and still trying to keep healthy. 

This makes me want to run.  Take flight.  In the escape sense.  Not the "I Believe I Can Fly" R Kelly kind of way.
But I want it.

I want to do something I can be damn proud of.  I want to collaborate. I want to help my incredibly talented friends.  I want to give back to charity.  I want to entertain the crap out of the industry and audience.  And I want to Fight. 
 
This year has been many things so far.  And one of those things is testing limits.  I put a cap on my abilities a long time ago.  Lately, I've been pushing hard at the fictitional ceiling I created and putting myself in the line of fire.  If it scares me, it means I might learn something.  Lord knows I've still got a LOT to learn.  And I need to remember that I can be great at something.  I think this might be it.
Already I've gotten a lot of NO's and roadblocks.  But God willing, I'm going to pivot, turn, clench my fists, cock back my arm, and pummel each one.  And if that doesn't work, I'll finesse, pray, negotiate, ask for help, and relish in the success that I want this to be.
So.  Stay tuned for future updates on the project.  Help out if you can and are so inclined.  And if you see me walking around Manhattan lookin' like I've lost a marble or two, be kind and talk me off the ledge. 
Cheers.