There's a first time for everything. This, right now, would be the first time that I've sat at my computer and not known how to begin a blog. I'm so muddled with what I want to say that all I do is start a sentence and then delete it. I lack focus. Which is a sign that I'm burning out.
I'll admit it. This year is NOT turning out the way I thought it would. I don't know why I had expected or hoped that things would flow easier than they have. I think that was rather naive and silly of me.
I fully admit I've pushed myself to the brink. I have heard from many people lately that I'm pushing too hard, I need to slow down, that I need to take a break, blah blah blah. Rest assured, people, I hear you. But you have to understand, that's not what I want to hear.
You see, what I really need to hear right now, is that I CAN do it. I put limits on myself all the time and right now, I need to try and expand them. I need to see how far I can go. All this time I've thought that I've needed humility and to lower my pride when in actuality, I've done nothing but sell myself short my entire life. I need to believe that I am more than what I see and know. I need to live my worth. And I won't be able to do that unless I challenge myself to the fullest of my abilities.
I need my friends to believe in me. I need them to help me or keep their doubts to themselves. I need to believe that my dreams are valid and possible. Because they are.
When people tell me to slow down, postpone, or "just breathe", well, it feels patronizing. I know that 90% of the time, that's just not true. But it feels like it. I think that's because I take it (subconsciously or consciously) as a sign of doubt. Or validation of the my own internal voice that says I am mediocre and that I can't do something.
A friend once asked what it was that drives me. Why do I push, run, work so hard? I said, a person is usually driven out of fear of something. My fear is of being mediocre. Of never excelling at anything. Of never being enough for myself.
I'd say those are biggies. I'd say that's enough to drive anyone as hard as I drive myself.
Now before the uproar of "Stacy you are crazy! You are too hard on yourself!" stuff starts, listen. Don't be mistaken. I know how awesome I am. But I know we are always an evolving entity. I know that God has put us on this earth only once. And I'm not about to waste that gift by sitting on my laurels and eating Doritos watching reruns of Full House. I want to believe in myself enough that I take chances, learn the things I want to learn, and stop being so afraid all the time. Because I am.
I want to be able to do a job and know I'm great at it and feel good when I go home. I want to be with someone and know that they are just as lucky to be with me as I am with them. I want to live in the present and like it. I can't do that sitting still. Not right now.
Right now, my "present" is not so great. A lot of my "survival" jobs this year have really shown me that I've sold myself short. Like, oompa-loompa short. And that's gotta stop. I've kept these jobs because it has given me wonderful flexibility and a handful of people that are very supportive. But at the same time, there have also been a handful of people or situations that make me go home and dislike myself and them and the universe at large. My qualifications do not match my paygrade. I allow people to disrespect me and put up with their tantrums when nothing is keeping me in those positions but myself. Yes, it scares me to leave comfort. Especially since I have so little of it. But I know what I feel and what I believe. I know that this is also a test of Faith.
The definition of faith is the complete belief in someone or something. I think it may be time that I have Faith in myself and in God. That I will be provided for if I take a leap and move on.
The only way to be "more" than this lifestyle I lead, is to change and live a lifestyle that is "more" than this. The only way to not be treated like an underling, is to not allow yourself to be treated like an underling. This may mean that you lose security, comfort, friends, colleagues, etc. But I think it would make me sleep better at night. And I think it would get me off this hamster wheel that I'm on.
We always assume that if we make a big change, it will be negative. We assume the world is much smaller than it actually is. But what if we take a leap, a leap of Faith, and we land somewhere even better? Maybe, just maybe, we could land where we were always meant to be.
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