I closed my eyes and felt the sun beat down on my face. My hair, a tangled mess, whipping at my cheeks as the speed boat literally flew over the lake. The driver likes to churn up the water and then hit the waves so hard that you have to hold on or else be bumped overboard. Water sprays over my skin and dries almost instantly. I think it is the first time I've taken a deep, full, unhindered breath all year. I love speed boats. I love water. I love a good ride.
I opened my eyes to see dark clouds forming in the distance. A voice over the radio told the driver to get back to shore. When we docked, the clouds had already covered the camp and the rumble had begun.
After a cold shower I laid in my bed in my bunk and listened as sheets of rain spilled off of tin roofs. The pattering of water hitting leaves worked to soften the clinking sounds. The walls shook with thunder that boomed right on top of me. I slept well that night.
It occurred to me that I've been bouncing between multiple worlds. A visitor that pops in, experiences a brief moment with strangers or friends, and then switches out to yet another microcosm. Mostly I don't mind. I don't get bored. And by the time I get annoyed with anyone, or they with me, I am off to the next world.
It takes its toll as well, though. By the beginning of September I will have lived out of a suitcase for nearly half the year. I have no routine (of which I need). I have no one present and constant in my life to keep me anchored (with the exception of my phenomenal parents who I love more and more each day). It gets lonely.
It also means I am constantly meeting new people. Something I both enjoy and despise. I am so socially uncomfortable in new settings. I never know what to say or do and much prefer the solace of my own company. I don't have to worry about being liked by anyone but myself and I'm quite fond of me. It's when I'm around other people that I'm reminded of my imperfections and awkwardness. I've made a living out of pushing myself into new situations because I know that life begins when you show up.
The first world of the year was NYC. You all know how I feel about that. It was a tough winter.
Then there was the near two weeks I spent at "home" in Washington. Five days were to unwind from the mentality and exhaustion of NYC. Then the rest was about complete relaxation and hiding away. It is the one place where I am taken care of and where I allow myself to be still. It is also a place that I cannot stay too long for fear of complacency. It is also a bonus to hang out with my mother while we drink wine and find things that make us laugh and then watch Jeopardy with my dad and see how often I can make him laugh (no easy feat). I live for these times at home. One of the good things of staying single for so long is I've gotten to know my parents as people. And what's more...I like them. In this, I cannot express how lucky I feel.
World #2 South Dakota. This was a whirlwind. A single month of working only one job: being a working actor. Sure, I was fundraising for my November project as well but to be honest that turned out to be more fun than I thought. I was sick to my stomach with worry that no one would donate but had a blast making all of those MEMES. (Thank you again to all that donated!).
South Dakota did not provide much privacy but it was exchanged for comradery which is a good trade for the short term. I was challenged and scared which is always needed in permanent personal growth. If there is no fear, there is no risk. If there is no risk, the reward of expanding towards reaching your better self is unattainable. Also, it is always good to go somewhere so completely unattached from your own life so you can remember how big the world is. In my case, you gotta leave a big city to go to a small town to see the big picture.
And now camp life. In Maine. I don't really know how to explain the complete bubble that engulfs you here. Time means nothing. A regular calendar means nothing. You live by the ringing of an outdoor bell rather than a clock. The metallic pinging rings for every event or class or meal. We eat at the same time every day. 7:30am breakfast. 12:30pm lunch. 5:30pm dinner. There are no inbetween meals or snacks. Your days are not your own but instead belong to 280 girl campers. You work up to 14 hours a day and for the most part...you don't mind. I work in the theatre and I listen to adorable girls audition for 101 dalmations; most of which come in with the "cups" song from Pitch Perfect. We work hard and don't always get acknowledged for it since it is behind the scenes. But I am very glad I came. It is different from the last time I was here ten years ago. Or rather I am different. I know who I am this time. My fundamentals are the same as they have always been but I am solid in how I work. I will never be the lighthouse drawing people to me. I am not the popular "cool" girl. I am the smart woman who gets shit done. I am reliable, trustworthy, and honest. That may not make me 1st pick at the dodge ball game, but I'm pretty ok with that. Sure, occasionally I feel left out and I have an infinitesimal moment of middle-school pity party. But then I remember my many worlds that I've lived in. And I disengage from the feeling of pettiness and I remember that the next world is coming soon. On a scale of 1 to Important. It isn't even on the radar. What matters is helping my colleagues out, doing my job, being pleasant (I try), and focusing on those girls. There is some promising talent here. And I'm hoping to help them along.
I'm afraid this isn't the most sassy or inspiring of posts but this is the best I can do after yet another 14 hour day. Now excuse me while I go back to daydreaming of thunderstorms and speed boats.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Guess Who's Gotta Learn How to Sing Again? (*points to self)
Soooooooooo...remember that time I gave up singing?
Most of you know I have awful stage fright when it comes to singing. It wasn't always such. I remember clearly singing around the house when I was little and telling my mother that I sounded just like Whitney Houston. To which she replied, "...no. Not really." Even then, I was not deterred.
It had always been a hobby. Something I did as a tension release. I was in choir since I was six years old and sang in my youth group all over the world. Sure there were nerves, but I got on with it anyway and liked the feeling that I could do something well.
When I got to musical theatre school in NYC, it then became "something I do" rather than a hobby. It became a career goal and a little more pressure went on top. I also saw that though I had a "pretty" voice, there were limits to what it could do. All of the sudden words like "technique" started to matter. I was surrounded by people who could not only sing, but could sing notes that only dog's could hear. It became necessary to sing louder, higher, longer. And eventually, singing for fun no longer existed. I began to look at myself as, once again, mediocre. Something I violently shy away from as though I've put my hand on a hot stove.
Once I graduated from school, the auditions came. And auditioning, to me, is so separate from actually performing. Auditioning for musical theater, is like a circus act. Because there are SO many actors these days, and so few jobs, sometimes they give you 30 seconds to sing 8bars in which you need to sing the highest and most powerful notes at 9am in the morning. I began to have so much anxiety and singing lost its appeal. I didn't want to feel like I was competing all the time. I just wanted to enjoy a good song, tell a good story, and be part of some great music. Singing became something I dreaded. I would botch auditions, forget words, and just hate doing what I was trained to do.
I missed the days of karaoke, cabaret, or even singing in the shower. So I stopped going to musical theatre calls. And I found that I LOVED straight theatre, film, tv, and classical theatre. I liked auditioning (as much as one can like auditioning) for those jobs. It wasn't so much about competition as it was more of "playing" well with others. I took it as a sign that singing was just something I was going to do off the books.
However. The moment I made that decision, I of course have never sung more. In grad school I sang at the Globe and at the Arches in "non musical" shows. And now I have a solo in the production of "Taming of the Shrew" here in South Dakota. Granted, I did raise my hand when the director asked who wouldn't mind a solo. But I had thought it would be a quick interlude of some sorts. Instead it has become a full out opening to the entire play.
Clearly this is a big sign from baby jeezus that says, "Get the f*&k over it." So the challenge has arrived and it is a doozy. I've not sung this high, for this long, in this style, for years. The ol' voice definitely tires quickly and my legs are shaking like crazy. But I'm in it to win it now and refuse to let anyone down. And who knows, maybe I can work my way back to loving singing again.
There should be joy in it. Singing used to be like sunbathing after a long cold winter. You feel the warmth all the way to your toes. It would be nice to get to that place again.
Most of you know I have awful stage fright when it comes to singing. It wasn't always such. I remember clearly singing around the house when I was little and telling my mother that I sounded just like Whitney Houston. To which she replied, "...no. Not really." Even then, I was not deterred.
It had always been a hobby. Something I did as a tension release. I was in choir since I was six years old and sang in my youth group all over the world. Sure there were nerves, but I got on with it anyway and liked the feeling that I could do something well.
When I got to musical theatre school in NYC, it then became "something I do" rather than a hobby. It became a career goal and a little more pressure went on top. I also saw that though I had a "pretty" voice, there were limits to what it could do. All of the sudden words like "technique" started to matter. I was surrounded by people who could not only sing, but could sing notes that only dog's could hear. It became necessary to sing louder, higher, longer. And eventually, singing for fun no longer existed. I began to look at myself as, once again, mediocre. Something I violently shy away from as though I've put my hand on a hot stove.
Once I graduated from school, the auditions came. And auditioning, to me, is so separate from actually performing. Auditioning for musical theater, is like a circus act. Because there are SO many actors these days, and so few jobs, sometimes they give you 30 seconds to sing 8bars in which you need to sing the highest and most powerful notes at 9am in the morning. I began to have so much anxiety and singing lost its appeal. I didn't want to feel like I was competing all the time. I just wanted to enjoy a good song, tell a good story, and be part of some great music. Singing became something I dreaded. I would botch auditions, forget words, and just hate doing what I was trained to do.
I missed the days of karaoke, cabaret, or even singing in the shower. So I stopped going to musical theatre calls. And I found that I LOVED straight theatre, film, tv, and classical theatre. I liked auditioning (as much as one can like auditioning) for those jobs. It wasn't so much about competition as it was more of "playing" well with others. I took it as a sign that singing was just something I was going to do off the books.
However. The moment I made that decision, I of course have never sung more. In grad school I sang at the Globe and at the Arches in "non musical" shows. And now I have a solo in the production of "Taming of the Shrew" here in South Dakota. Granted, I did raise my hand when the director asked who wouldn't mind a solo. But I had thought it would be a quick interlude of some sorts. Instead it has become a full out opening to the entire play.
Clearly this is a big sign from baby jeezus that says, "Get the f*&k over it." So the challenge has arrived and it is a doozy. I've not sung this high, for this long, in this style, for years. The ol' voice definitely tires quickly and my legs are shaking like crazy. But I'm in it to win it now and refuse to let anyone down. And who knows, maybe I can work my way back to loving singing again.
There should be joy in it. Singing used to be like sunbathing after a long cold winter. You feel the warmth all the way to your toes. It would be nice to get to that place again.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Don't Underestimate South Dakota
I have a day off. I don't remember the last time I had a leisurely day off and a to-do list that only had one or two things on it. It is both unsettling and revealing that I've been in the City a little too long.
Thank God I took that week to be at home with my parents in Washington. Had I come straight to South Dakota, I would have been wound so tight I probably would have internally combusted. The time at home was spent running a few errands, drinking wine with my mother, watching jeopardy with my dad, and running my fundraising campaign for my project Play.Sing.Give. I'm fairly sure I don't need to tell you what that is considering I've been bombarding Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter with our posts, videos, and MEMEs. I'm incredibly proud and humbled by how well we are doing so far. Five days and we are over a quarter of the way there. And the people who have donated...I had not expected such generosity. I hadn't expected anything actually.
Everyone has gifts and talents. For me, I can run a show. I can plan it, run it, organize it, and get things moving. Fundraising and asking for help...not my gift. It actually makes me so uncomfortable that I make myself ill and lose sleep over it. I don't know why and I don't know how to get better at it. But I've given it a go anyway and I am overwhelmed by the results. That being said, it's friggin' exhausting.
South Dakota, now that was a pleasant surprise. Whatever your thoughts about the state (and I doubt any of you have been here), let me assure you, it's pretty darn great so far. Vermillion is a small college town that consists of pubs, gas stations, beauty salons, and small restaurants. Most of which are located on one of three main streets. Huge colonial houses create this intimate suburb that has gone quiet since the university let out last week. The landscape is perfectly manicured. The homes are sprawling, many of which have colorful shutters, brick chimneys, white columns, and wrap around balconies. There are two movie theatres that are located a block from each other. One has only one screen, the other only two. I hear you can see a movie with popcorn for under $10dollars.
It is clean and fresh and friendly. Everyone knows everyone and if they don't they'll find out.
The people here like to give you the history and origin of, well, pretty much everything. From the small hills in the highway, to the background of the basement ceiling and ventilation, to their own personal stories, to even the lay out of the grocery store aisles.
The Shakespeare Festival folks lent me a bicycle to get around the town. It's name is Buford and he is an old large handle-barred burnt orange bike. It took me a hot second to remember how to ride one and I was relieved to find that I hadn't forgotton how to turn. I will say that it is not the most graceful way of transport and I miss the days when I didn't feel like a complete knob getting off one. Manuevering that with my short legs is a sight to see.
I took Buford into town this morning to meet with some cast members for brunch at Cafe Brulee. I was stunned when my bill for three cups of coffee, a strawberry muffin, a side caesar salad, and a grilled cheese sandwich ended up being only ten dollars...with tip.
The house that I am staying at is one of the large historical colonials. I find it comfortable to hear the old floorboards creak. When you come down the stairs in the morning, the sun shines through the etched windows and casts rainbows on the floor.
There are two cats in the house. I am slightly allergic so I've been careful not to touch them too much. Emmy is the skittish ninja one with big green eyes and stripes. She is rarely seen but if you get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, she's usually right outside the door staring you down. I leave my room for two minutes to brush my teeth and when I come back, she's there sniffing everything I own. She hasn't quite decided whether or not she'll kill me in my sleep, I think.
Charlie is the friendly one. At two am in the morning I will wake up to a small rap on the door. I keep my door closed so that they don't sneak in and shed hair on my pillow. But Charlie is persistant. Somehow he hits the old door just right where it squeaks open and all I see is this wee gray paw push it. Then in he comes, puts his two front paws on my bed, and meows. He is gray and fluffy but with two light marks above his eyes that make him look like he has eyebrows. I think it is a losing battle with that one.
The cast of Taming of the Shrew is very nice. I don't think I've met a friendlier bunch. I've been trying extra hard to be sociable. You know me, I'm more like to do my work then go home and hibernate. Acting and socializing always leave me a bit raw and feeling exposed and I always default to going home and licking my wounds and insecurities in private. I know it is a huge failing of mine and makes me come off as bitchy, or reserved, or careless. So this time I've decided to hang out just a little longer, or say yes if I'm invited somewhere a little more often. It seems to be paying off.
I am much older than most of the cast. Many are undergrads or just graduated. We had a small gathering last night that was sponsored by the Dean of Business at the University that was at a gorgeous house on a bluff and then afterwards we went to one of the young members house. It was basically like being back in college again. Or at least it would be had I had a social life in my undergrad. I had been so focused on my business courses and so incredibly unhappy with my chosen major that I never got out and partied. So in some ways, I got a little piece of what I had missed in a "real" college experience. I also learned that I have quite the natural talent for beer pong. It's all in the elbow, friends. :)
I've missed acting immensely. That initial day when you read through the script and are reminded that fun is a part of your job. This is the first time since grad school where I am working just one job and it is acting. I concentrate on that, I am paid for that, and I love that. Of course, after the initial euphoria comes the insecurities. Did I ask too many questions? Were they stupid questions? Did I make good acting choices? Did I make ANY choices? I should have gone with my instincts. Do I have any instincts? What IS an instinct? WHO AM I?? AHHHHHHHH.
My introversion sets in and I fight my social phobias that have haunted me my entire life. It's why I don't date. It's why I don't like crowds or parties. But life doesn't halt until you can handle it, so I mutter to myself "self, get the f&*k over it" and crack on. All the while accepting that I am unintentionally more abrasive than these people because that is what I'm used to. My sweetest day will be them on their worst. For now, that's the way it is.
We've blocked the first five scenes or so and had a singing session. Funny, the minute I gave up singing, I've never sung more in my life. We all did little acapella solos so our musical director could see what he was working with. I believe we'll have some 16th Century ditties throughout the show.
I also had my first costume fitting. Whoa nelly. You guys should see this. Locked into a corset, deep brocade maroon fabric, puffy sleeves, period hat. And the words, "let's cut out more of the neck line to show off what the lord gave ya." Can't wait to post photos.
So that's where I'm at. Trying to unwind and internally settle, doing my best to focus and listen and enjoy. I am both homesick and at peace, inspired and fragile, happy and lost, hopeful and well. It feels good to speak the lines, to make discoveries, to ride a bike in the sunshine and cool breeze, and to be challenged and stretched in a healthy way.
SHAMELESS PROJECT PLUG: Please check out our indiegogo campaign for Play.Sing.Give. at :
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/play-sing-give/x/7405089#home
Thank God I took that week to be at home with my parents in Washington. Had I come straight to South Dakota, I would have been wound so tight I probably would have internally combusted. The time at home was spent running a few errands, drinking wine with my mother, watching jeopardy with my dad, and running my fundraising campaign for my project Play.Sing.Give. I'm fairly sure I don't need to tell you what that is considering I've been bombarding Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter with our posts, videos, and MEMEs. I'm incredibly proud and humbled by how well we are doing so far. Five days and we are over a quarter of the way there. And the people who have donated...I had not expected such generosity. I hadn't expected anything actually.
Everyone has gifts and talents. For me, I can run a show. I can plan it, run it, organize it, and get things moving. Fundraising and asking for help...not my gift. It actually makes me so uncomfortable that I make myself ill and lose sleep over it. I don't know why and I don't know how to get better at it. But I've given it a go anyway and I am overwhelmed by the results. That being said, it's friggin' exhausting.
South Dakota, now that was a pleasant surprise. Whatever your thoughts about the state (and I doubt any of you have been here), let me assure you, it's pretty darn great so far. Vermillion is a small college town that consists of pubs, gas stations, beauty salons, and small restaurants. Most of which are located on one of three main streets. Huge colonial houses create this intimate suburb that has gone quiet since the university let out last week. The landscape is perfectly manicured. The homes are sprawling, many of which have colorful shutters, brick chimneys, white columns, and wrap around balconies. There are two movie theatres that are located a block from each other. One has only one screen, the other only two. I hear you can see a movie with popcorn for under $10dollars.
It is clean and fresh and friendly. Everyone knows everyone and if they don't they'll find out.
The people here like to give you the history and origin of, well, pretty much everything. From the small hills in the highway, to the background of the basement ceiling and ventilation, to their own personal stories, to even the lay out of the grocery store aisles.
The Shakespeare Festival folks lent me a bicycle to get around the town. It's name is Buford and he is an old large handle-barred burnt orange bike. It took me a hot second to remember how to ride one and I was relieved to find that I hadn't forgotton how to turn. I will say that it is not the most graceful way of transport and I miss the days when I didn't feel like a complete knob getting off one. Manuevering that with my short legs is a sight to see.
I took Buford into town this morning to meet with some cast members for brunch at Cafe Brulee. I was stunned when my bill for three cups of coffee, a strawberry muffin, a side caesar salad, and a grilled cheese sandwich ended up being only ten dollars...with tip.
The house that I am staying at is one of the large historical colonials. I find it comfortable to hear the old floorboards creak. When you come down the stairs in the morning, the sun shines through the etched windows and casts rainbows on the floor.
There are two cats in the house. I am slightly allergic so I've been careful not to touch them too much. Emmy is the skittish ninja one with big green eyes and stripes. She is rarely seen but if you get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, she's usually right outside the door staring you down. I leave my room for two minutes to brush my teeth and when I come back, she's there sniffing everything I own. She hasn't quite decided whether or not she'll kill me in my sleep, I think.
Charlie is the friendly one. At two am in the morning I will wake up to a small rap on the door. I keep my door closed so that they don't sneak in and shed hair on my pillow. But Charlie is persistant. Somehow he hits the old door just right where it squeaks open and all I see is this wee gray paw push it. Then in he comes, puts his two front paws on my bed, and meows. He is gray and fluffy but with two light marks above his eyes that make him look like he has eyebrows. I think it is a losing battle with that one.
The cast of Taming of the Shrew is very nice. I don't think I've met a friendlier bunch. I've been trying extra hard to be sociable. You know me, I'm more like to do my work then go home and hibernate. Acting and socializing always leave me a bit raw and feeling exposed and I always default to going home and licking my wounds and insecurities in private. I know it is a huge failing of mine and makes me come off as bitchy, or reserved, or careless. So this time I've decided to hang out just a little longer, or say yes if I'm invited somewhere a little more often. It seems to be paying off.
I am much older than most of the cast. Many are undergrads or just graduated. We had a small gathering last night that was sponsored by the Dean of Business at the University that was at a gorgeous house on a bluff and then afterwards we went to one of the young members house. It was basically like being back in college again. Or at least it would be had I had a social life in my undergrad. I had been so focused on my business courses and so incredibly unhappy with my chosen major that I never got out and partied. So in some ways, I got a little piece of what I had missed in a "real" college experience. I also learned that I have quite the natural talent for beer pong. It's all in the elbow, friends. :)
I've missed acting immensely. That initial day when you read through the script and are reminded that fun is a part of your job. This is the first time since grad school where I am working just one job and it is acting. I concentrate on that, I am paid for that, and I love that. Of course, after the initial euphoria comes the insecurities. Did I ask too many questions? Were they stupid questions? Did I make good acting choices? Did I make ANY choices? I should have gone with my instincts. Do I have any instincts? What IS an instinct? WHO AM I?? AHHHHHHHH.
My introversion sets in and I fight my social phobias that have haunted me my entire life. It's why I don't date. It's why I don't like crowds or parties. But life doesn't halt until you can handle it, so I mutter to myself "self, get the f&*k over it" and crack on. All the while accepting that I am unintentionally more abrasive than these people because that is what I'm used to. My sweetest day will be them on their worst. For now, that's the way it is.
We've blocked the first five scenes or so and had a singing session. Funny, the minute I gave up singing, I've never sung more in my life. We all did little acapella solos so our musical director could see what he was working with. I believe we'll have some 16th Century ditties throughout the show.
I also had my first costume fitting. Whoa nelly. You guys should see this. Locked into a corset, deep brocade maroon fabric, puffy sleeves, period hat. And the words, "let's cut out more of the neck line to show off what the lord gave ya." Can't wait to post photos.
So that's where I'm at. Trying to unwind and internally settle, doing my best to focus and listen and enjoy. I am both homesick and at peace, inspired and fragile, happy and lost, hopeful and well. It feels good to speak the lines, to make discoveries, to ride a bike in the sunshine and cool breeze, and to be challenged and stretched in a healthy way.
SHAMELESS PROJECT PLUG: Please check out our indiegogo campaign for Play.Sing.Give. at :
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/play-sing-give/x/7405089#home
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Leap of Faith. Don't Tell Me to Slow Down.
There's a first time for everything. This, right now, would be the first time that I've sat at my computer and not known how to begin a blog. I'm so muddled with what I want to say that all I do is start a sentence and then delete it. I lack focus. Which is a sign that I'm burning out.
I'll admit it. This year is NOT turning out the way I thought it would. I don't know why I had expected or hoped that things would flow easier than they have. I think that was rather naive and silly of me.
I fully admit I've pushed myself to the brink. I have heard from many people lately that I'm pushing too hard, I need to slow down, that I need to take a break, blah blah blah. Rest assured, people, I hear you. But you have to understand, that's not what I want to hear.
You see, what I really need to hear right now, is that I CAN do it. I put limits on myself all the time and right now, I need to try and expand them. I need to see how far I can go. All this time I've thought that I've needed humility and to lower my pride when in actuality, I've done nothing but sell myself short my entire life. I need to believe that I am more than what I see and know. I need to live my worth. And I won't be able to do that unless I challenge myself to the fullest of my abilities.
I need my friends to believe in me. I need them to help me or keep their doubts to themselves. I need to believe that my dreams are valid and possible. Because they are.
When people tell me to slow down, postpone, or "just breathe", well, it feels patronizing. I know that 90% of the time, that's just not true. But it feels like it. I think that's because I take it (subconsciously or consciously) as a sign of doubt. Or validation of the my own internal voice that says I am mediocre and that I can't do something.
A friend once asked what it was that drives me. Why do I push, run, work so hard? I said, a person is usually driven out of fear of something. My fear is of being mediocre. Of never excelling at anything. Of never being enough for myself.
I'd say those are biggies. I'd say that's enough to drive anyone as hard as I drive myself.
Now before the uproar of "Stacy you are crazy! You are too hard on yourself!" stuff starts, listen. Don't be mistaken. I know how awesome I am. But I know we are always an evolving entity. I know that God has put us on this earth only once. And I'm not about to waste that gift by sitting on my laurels and eating Doritos watching reruns of Full House. I want to believe in myself enough that I take chances, learn the things I want to learn, and stop being so afraid all the time. Because I am.
I want to be able to do a job and know I'm great at it and feel good when I go home. I want to be with someone and know that they are just as lucky to be with me as I am with them. I want to live in the present and like it. I can't do that sitting still. Not right now.
Right now, my "present" is not so great. A lot of my "survival" jobs this year have really shown me that I've sold myself short. Like, oompa-loompa short. And that's gotta stop. I've kept these jobs because it has given me wonderful flexibility and a handful of people that are very supportive. But at the same time, there have also been a handful of people or situations that make me go home and dislike myself and them and the universe at large. My qualifications do not match my paygrade. I allow people to disrespect me and put up with their tantrums when nothing is keeping me in those positions but myself. Yes, it scares me to leave comfort. Especially since I have so little of it. But I know what I feel and what I believe. I know that this is also a test of Faith.
The definition of faith is the complete belief in someone or something. I think it may be time that I have Faith in myself and in God. That I will be provided for if I take a leap and move on.
The only way to be "more" than this lifestyle I lead, is to change and live a lifestyle that is "more" than this. The only way to not be treated like an underling, is to not allow yourself to be treated like an underling. This may mean that you lose security, comfort, friends, colleagues, etc. But I think it would make me sleep better at night. And I think it would get me off this hamster wheel that I'm on.
We always assume that if we make a big change, it will be negative. We assume the world is much smaller than it actually is. But what if we take a leap, a leap of Faith, and we land somewhere even better? Maybe, just maybe, we could land where we were always meant to be.
I'll admit it. This year is NOT turning out the way I thought it would. I don't know why I had expected or hoped that things would flow easier than they have. I think that was rather naive and silly of me.
I fully admit I've pushed myself to the brink. I have heard from many people lately that I'm pushing too hard, I need to slow down, that I need to take a break, blah blah blah. Rest assured, people, I hear you. But you have to understand, that's not what I want to hear.
You see, what I really need to hear right now, is that I CAN do it. I put limits on myself all the time and right now, I need to try and expand them. I need to see how far I can go. All this time I've thought that I've needed humility and to lower my pride when in actuality, I've done nothing but sell myself short my entire life. I need to believe that I am more than what I see and know. I need to live my worth. And I won't be able to do that unless I challenge myself to the fullest of my abilities.
I need my friends to believe in me. I need them to help me or keep their doubts to themselves. I need to believe that my dreams are valid and possible. Because they are.
When people tell me to slow down, postpone, or "just breathe", well, it feels patronizing. I know that 90% of the time, that's just not true. But it feels like it. I think that's because I take it (subconsciously or consciously) as a sign of doubt. Or validation of the my own internal voice that says I am mediocre and that I can't do something.
A friend once asked what it was that drives me. Why do I push, run, work so hard? I said, a person is usually driven out of fear of something. My fear is of being mediocre. Of never excelling at anything. Of never being enough for myself.
I'd say those are biggies. I'd say that's enough to drive anyone as hard as I drive myself.
Now before the uproar of "Stacy you are crazy! You are too hard on yourself!" stuff starts, listen. Don't be mistaken. I know how awesome I am. But I know we are always an evolving entity. I know that God has put us on this earth only once. And I'm not about to waste that gift by sitting on my laurels and eating Doritos watching reruns of Full House. I want to believe in myself enough that I take chances, learn the things I want to learn, and stop being so afraid all the time. Because I am.
I want to be able to do a job and know I'm great at it and feel good when I go home. I want to be with someone and know that they are just as lucky to be with me as I am with them. I want to live in the present and like it. I can't do that sitting still. Not right now.
Right now, my "present" is not so great. A lot of my "survival" jobs this year have really shown me that I've sold myself short. Like, oompa-loompa short. And that's gotta stop. I've kept these jobs because it has given me wonderful flexibility and a handful of people that are very supportive. But at the same time, there have also been a handful of people or situations that make me go home and dislike myself and them and the universe at large. My qualifications do not match my paygrade. I allow people to disrespect me and put up with their tantrums when nothing is keeping me in those positions but myself. Yes, it scares me to leave comfort. Especially since I have so little of it. But I know what I feel and what I believe. I know that this is also a test of Faith.
The definition of faith is the complete belief in someone or something. I think it may be time that I have Faith in myself and in God. That I will be provided for if I take a leap and move on.
The only way to be "more" than this lifestyle I lead, is to change and live a lifestyle that is "more" than this. The only way to not be treated like an underling, is to not allow yourself to be treated like an underling. This may mean that you lose security, comfort, friends, colleagues, etc. But I think it would make me sleep better at night. And I think it would get me off this hamster wheel that I'm on.
We always assume that if we make a big change, it will be negative. We assume the world is much smaller than it actually is. But what if we take a leap, a leap of Faith, and we land somewhere even better? Maybe, just maybe, we could land where we were always meant to be.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
I am co-producing a Play. And I'm scared sh*tless.
A bum on the
subway once tried to buy me for a dollar. I could have taken it as
flattery, I suppose. His last dollar and he wants to use it on me. Or I
could have been insulted. How dare he think I only cost a
buck! Instead, I turned away from him and pondered what on earth gave
him the impression that I was a hooker. Was the sweatshirt I was wearing that evening too revealing?
Was it because he was there for
my 2nd semester of AMDA when all I was cast as was the Madam of the
brothel?
During said pondering, the bum decided that he would put his hands on my bum. Now. Here's the point to the story. You never know whether you are a fight or flight kind of person until your instincts are tested. At that moment of supreme shock, one would either A) scream and run. Begging some big burly man to be your knight in shining armor. or B) pivot, turn, clench your fists, cock back your arm, and pummel the bum. Well, apparently B is my go to instinctual choice. Luckily I had friends with me who did the "Mommy arm" and blocked me from getting to him. After I had cooled down I thought about those reflexes and nodded, "good to know."
I'm not a huge advocate for violence. Actually, I think it would've been incredibly stupid to have attacked that bum. But it is always good to know how one works internally.
I bring this up because I'm putting myself in a huge Fight or Flight situation. My goal is to produce and act in one of my favorite plays this Fall. I want it to be good. Great. Stellar. I want it to make money that will then go to charity. I want to attempt to use the "dark" days of the theatre as a Cabaret platform for emerging artists who need a space to perform but don't have the funds to rent one and don't want to ask their friends for a friggin' two drink minimum.
This will be a huge challenge for me. It will make me incredibly uncomfortable. It will demand time, money, and networking that I don't necessarily have but will have to find. It will put me in a place of failing. Big.
It will make me ask for help from people that I'm not sure I can count on. I will risk being disappointed if things don't work out. People might say NO. For someone who rarely depends on others, this will be almost unbearable.
I will have to do much of this while working three jobs, travelling around the country, training for a half marathon, and still trying to keep healthy.
This makes me want to run. Take flight. In the escape sense. Not the "I Believe I Can Fly" R Kelly kind of way.
But I want it.
I want to do something I can be damn proud of. I want to collaborate. I want to help my incredibly talented friends. I want to give back to charity. I want to entertain the crap out of the industry and audience. And I want to Fight.
This year has been many things so far. And one of those things is testing limits. I put a cap on my abilities a long time ago. Lately, I've been pushing hard at the fictitional ceiling I created and putting myself in the line of fire. If it scares me, it means I might learn something. Lord knows I've still got a LOT to learn. And I need to remember that I can be great at something. I think this might be it.
Already I've gotten a lot of NO's and roadblocks. But God willing, I'm going to pivot, turn, clench my fists, cock back my arm, and pummel each one. And if that doesn't work, I'll finesse, pray, negotiate, ask for help, and relish in the success that I want this to be.
So. Stay tuned for future updates on the project. Help out if you can and are so inclined. And if you see me walking around Manhattan lookin' like I've lost a marble or two, be kind and talk me off the ledge.
Cheers.
During said pondering, the bum decided that he would put his hands on my bum. Now. Here's the point to the story. You never know whether you are a fight or flight kind of person until your instincts are tested. At that moment of supreme shock, one would either A) scream and run. Begging some big burly man to be your knight in shining armor. or B) pivot, turn, clench your fists, cock back your arm, and pummel the bum. Well, apparently B is my go to instinctual choice. Luckily I had friends with me who did the "Mommy arm" and blocked me from getting to him. After I had cooled down I thought about those reflexes and nodded, "good to know."
I'm not a huge advocate for violence. Actually, I think it would've been incredibly stupid to have attacked that bum. But it is always good to know how one works internally.
I bring this up because I'm putting myself in a huge Fight or Flight situation. My goal is to produce and act in one of my favorite plays this Fall. I want it to be good. Great. Stellar. I want it to make money that will then go to charity. I want to attempt to use the "dark" days of the theatre as a Cabaret platform for emerging artists who need a space to perform but don't have the funds to rent one and don't want to ask their friends for a friggin' two drink minimum.
This will be a huge challenge for me. It will make me incredibly uncomfortable. It will demand time, money, and networking that I don't necessarily have but will have to find. It will put me in a place of failing. Big.
It will make me ask for help from people that I'm not sure I can count on. I will risk being disappointed if things don't work out. People might say NO. For someone who rarely depends on others, this will be almost unbearable.
I will have to do much of this while working three jobs, travelling around the country, training for a half marathon, and still trying to keep healthy.
This makes me want to run. Take flight. In the escape sense. Not the "I Believe I Can Fly" R Kelly kind of way.
But I want it.
I want to do something I can be damn proud of. I want to collaborate. I want to help my incredibly talented friends. I want to give back to charity. I want to entertain the crap out of the industry and audience. And I want to Fight.
This year has been many things so far. And one of those things is testing limits. I put a cap on my abilities a long time ago. Lately, I've been pushing hard at the fictitional ceiling I created and putting myself in the line of fire. If it scares me, it means I might learn something. Lord knows I've still got a LOT to learn. And I need to remember that I can be great at something. I think this might be it.
Already I've gotten a lot of NO's and roadblocks. But God willing, I'm going to pivot, turn, clench my fists, cock back my arm, and pummel each one. And if that doesn't work, I'll finesse, pray, negotiate, ask for help, and relish in the success that I want this to be.
So. Stay tuned for future updates on the project. Help out if you can and are so inclined. And if you see me walking around Manhattan lookin' like I've lost a marble or two, be kind and talk me off the ledge.
Cheers.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Watching the Clock.
Now, let me preface this by saying I am very grateful to be employed and paying my bills. I work at an accounting office right now during tax season. Yes, I thank you for your condolences and prayers. Indeed, it does not get much more stressful especially considering that my employer is not exactly a bright ray of sunshine.
This is the first time I've done office work in a while. Every so often I like to try my hand at what most would call a "normal" job, just to see if it will be enough for me. I pray each time that it is. I desperately want to go to work, 9 to 5, enjoy it, then come home and pocket that cash while I google my next big vacation and buy crap on Amazon that I don't really need but hey you can never have too many decorative throw pillows.
I've said it before, I envy my friends who
have chosen to leave NYC and even the entertainment business and are
happier than they've ever been. At least they seem to be. Sure they
have this small part of them that looks back on the tough times in NYC,
schlepping it in the hopes of someday "making it" and then being able to
grab cheap bottles of wine and hang out and bitch about how tough it is
to be us. But really, I don't think most would give up what they have
now for anything. They have families and pensions and 401Ks (I dont
really know what that is but I'm told that it prevents you from being
destitute when you are older). They have stability and a savings
account. And I think that is beautiful.
So I try to take temporary jobs here and
there to fill in the employment holes when I am in between gigs and try
to see if maybe this will be the time that I can make a life out of it.
Each time I fail miserably.
When I work a theatre job, 9 times out of 10 I don't dread a Monday. I don't even know what a "monday" is. Then again, I don't know what a weekend is either. I will most likely be working 6 to 7 days out of the week and only dreading that one day-off because that's when I'll be doing laundry and cleaning my bathroom. My mother worries when I work that much but honestly, when you are doing what you love, work is not a bad word. You may complain about things that annoy you (i.e. a demanding director or not having enough time to sleep), but you don't have that feeling of wanting to claw out of your surroundings. There is a contentment in the chaos and creativity. I never waste time and I never count it. And I rarely resent it.
When I work a job like this, the weekends suddenly go too fast and the weekdays go too slow. Or I forget what day it is at all. I have a hard time staying in the present because the present is just too monotonous and claustrophobic. I have never spent so much time on facebook and the internet. And I don't mean that in a good way. If I am tweeting or posting or googling, it means I am DOING nothing.
When I was in my first college studying
business, I had a bad bout of depression. We're talking therapy, weight
gain, a wee bit of prozac, and a whole lot of dreading Mondays.
Through that I learned that I am the type of person that if I am not
DOING, being productive, and working towards something that matters to
me, I begin to hate my life and myself. I wish it wasn't so dramatic
and that I could work a different way. I wish I could autopilot my day
job and then enjoy my nights. But I'm not built that way.
Being idle makes me go crazy.
I am a smart girl. I could do many things. But until I find myself being fulfilled by one of these "normal" jobs the way I feel when I am connected to theatre and film...well, it really ISN'T a choice.
It is, of course, not without stressers. I worry that
my decision to live like this prevents me from building a good home and
family of my own. I worry that that is one of the reasons I have not
done so already. I worry that as I get older, the lack of funds will
take a toll. I am a smart girl. I could do many things. But until I find myself being fulfilled by one of these "normal" jobs the way I feel when I am connected to theatre and film...well, it really ISN'T a choice.
But I also know that I'm very good at what I do. There's an excellent chance that I'm going to do well. I also know that going with my gut has yet to fail me. Any decision I've ever made that mattered has felt "right," without explanation. And I'd rather go with that than watch the clock and wishing for tomorrow.
You know the difference between having an unhappy day or week and being unhappy right down to the soul. One is uncomfortable. The other is terrifying and unbearable. So I will finish up this temporary job, doing my best to please my good hearted but miserable boss. I will keep praying and pushing myself to give myself the absolute best chance possible. And I will keep swimming.
Friday, March 21, 2014
I Will Break Your Phone For You. You're Welcome.
Well, I am here to provide a service, friends. I will break the sh*t outta your phone. For free. Because I'm just that generous. Because I love you. And because you are annoying the hell out of me when you ignore me at lunch.
Here's the deal about hanging out, going to brunch, or doing drinks with me. I will give you exactly five minutes to take a selfie, instagram your food, check in on foursquare, and then turn the ringer off. If you have any pending texts to your mom, significant other, or hot roommate that you are secretly in love with, then you can take another minute to warn them that you did not get blown up in a terrorist attack or eaten by squirrels, you are just at lunch with a friend and don't want to be rude by ignoring her.
Because that's what it is. Unless you are showing me photos of your kids or your dogs (I'm a good friend, I'll look at them and Ooh and Aah with the best of them, knowing full well that if/when I have any of the above I will make you do the same thing), or you are waiting for a phone call from Christopher Nolan to star with Liam Neeson in Taken #542, then that phone can be turned off for 45 minutes while we finish our gourmet grilled cheese.
If you reeeeeeeally need to text your Ex because you just thought of an incredibly good come-back or were struck with a moment of nostalgia that you need to share with him, take your phone, go to the bathroom, emoticon to your heart's content, and I promise that I won't put something gross in your mimosa while you are away.
When you spend more time looking at your phone than at me you are telling me two things:
1. I am wasting your time.
Now, #1 may not be true but that is the signal you are giving. And #2 is definitely true. If you wanted to text and tweet, you could have done that at home while eating take-out and watching re-runs of Family Guy in your underwear. And me? I could have been doing a number of awesome things like my laundry, writing and then deleting pages from my novel, pretending to sleep, or watching The Killing and shouting at the telly that it does not, in fact, rain like that in Seattle. See? We could have been more productive with our time. Because who has time to waste? No one.
What if I was saying something incredibly charming and worth tweeting? Hey, it could happen. I may be tweetable, you never know. What if I was considering you for a part in my project for the fall? What if I just needed a friend because I was lonely? You not paying attention to me is like saying that I am not as interesting as Candy Crush. And that makes me incredibly depressed.
I saw a father and his little girl on the street today waiting for the M10 bus. The little girl must have been three or so. She was adorable with her hot pink puffy jacket and multi-colored polka dotted stretch pants. She was looking up at her dad with her arms stretched up to him, tiny muscles straining and reaching for him. He was on his iphone and texting away. She reached further, teetering on her tip toes, arms even wider as if she was about to catch a beach ball. And daddy was texting. He finally picked her up minutes later and balanced her on his hip, and continued to text one handedly.
...yeah. That's how you make me feel when you do that crap. Like I'm reaching for your attention but you have better things to do. And I warn you, I have worse and more dangerous tantrums than a three year old.
I read an article once where this group of friends went to brunch regularly and the first thing they did was put all their phones in the center of the table. The first person to reach for their phone pays the tab. I think this is a brilliant idea. Though beware, I'd win every time. Hands down.
Of course, as always, there will be exceptions. Your sister's having a baby, your mom is in the hospital, you really ARE waiting for Nolan to call you to star with Neeson, etc. But then you just need to tell me in the beginning. And then I'll just sit there scoping out the hot guys in the restaurant and text my mother while you do your thing and we're both happy.
But I really will break your phone for you if you like. Technology repels me. And I can share that magic with you. All you need to do is ask.
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