Over the past few weeks I’ve sat down to try to write
something positive. Something
inspirational. Something worth
saying. And I came up empty. I had lost my words. Even now I’m wondering if this post will
trail off into nothingness, a mute button that turns on of its own accord.
After my birthday, which was absolutely lovely, I felt this
immediate sinking feeling. I felt
emotionally raw, overworked, overtired, overstimulated, and there was an
emotional switch that shut off. If I
went to work, I did my job. But then I
came home and crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and prayed that
I could sleep as long as possible.
It’s rare that I get like that. I have little patience for pity parties and
depression. It is unproductive and
therefore not of use to me. I’ve always
said that a pity party can last for an evening, a day at most, depending on the
situation. But this. This was different.
I was unprepared. And
I lost my words.
I depend on communication.
If I can’t say it, I have to write it.
If I can’t write it, I sing it.
If I can’t sing it, I…implode.
And that’s what was happening.
Why am I telling you this, you ask?
Because I feel like all I write about is pushing through,
working hard, not giving up, blah blah blah.
But I don’t acknowledge enough the fact that there ARE times that you
simply cannot function. That there is
not enough in you to spin a situation into the positive. It happens.
You can tell yourself that you know that eating healthy, going to the
gym, talking about your feelings, sleeping, and taking time for yourself is the
right thing to do. It will make you feel
better. But you can’t seem to make
yourself do any of those things.
Instead, you wade in the murky waters of self-doubt. You attack yourself with awful insults. You poke at your own insecurities. And any
person who comes along with words of wisdom or positivity annoys the shit out
of you. Instead of hearing generosity,
you hear superior patronizing advice of how to “fix” your life. And you get
angrier. You resent the fact that
everyone else has their life together and has to tell you about it.
…and then one morning you wake up. And realize what a shit you are being.
I don’t know why those spells happen. I don’t know if they are caused by stress,
outside forces, chemical imbalance, or just the need for the dramatic. But I do know that they are temporary. That if I ride the wave, eventually I make it
to shore. I may be a bit worse for wear
when I get there. But I get there.
So. Here are Stacy’s 6 steps to getting over herself:
1.
Clean your
room. When there is chaos within that
you can’t control, control the chaos
outside yourself. An organized personal
space makes you feel like you can handle your life. Progress gives you hope. Hope gives you purpose. No one can be depressed when they have a
purpose.
2.
Go to the gym.
Endorphins are no joke. Running
to pumped up music gives you adrenalin.
It makes you fight to move forward.
The very motion of moving forward physically connects to your will to
move forward emotionally. Even if you
hate running like I do. Anger is easier
to manage than despair.
3.
Drink less caffeine and more water. I do not follow this advice. And I know that is a problem. Caffeine increases heart rate and therefore aggravates
my anxiety attacks and irritation. Water
will make you feel lighter and less achy.
I should really listen to my own advice on this.
4.
WRITE IT OUT.
Sometimes when you tell a friend or family member your troubles they
feel the need to then tell you how to fix said trouble. When sometimes you only wanted to be
heard. Or even more important, you
needed what was trapped inside you to come out.
Sometimes you worry that if you unleash the emotional plague within that
you are imposing on others. That guilt
will not help you. So write it. If you write it, you can either share with
others or not. It’s your choice. And if you put it out there, it is up to them
if they want to read it. You are not
forcing anyone into your world. But what
was strangling you is now released. (*note:
be prepared however, that everyone has an opinion and if you put it to the
public, you must allow them to do the same.
But then it’s up to you to listen or not.)
5.
PERSPECTIVE: Someone
is ALWAYS worse off than you. I go to
the facebook page called Humans of New York.
The posts there are beautiful and heartbreaking and filled with people
who’ve experienced raw life in both its worst and best form and they find
something miraculous in the daily tumble.
There are people I know who are terminal or in pain or living without
essentials. I may not want to hear it
because my troubles have bubbled to the surface, but it is something that will
always jar me back to a place of productivity.
Don’t get me wrong. My troubles
are valid. But they are not all
consuming and therefore should not be treated as such.
6.
And when all else fails….Be kind to yourself. The minute you say something derogatory about
you, throw it away. Then find something,
ANYTHING, beautiful about you. I know
that sounds ridiculous but it is vital.
When you are in the muck and you can’t move, you wrap your own arms around
yourself, have a little conversation with God (or your deity of choice. Hey, I
don’t judge), and ride the fucking wave until it’s over.
Because it is temporary.
It will get better. It always does.
And then you can get back to being awesome which is your normal state of
being. Perhaps that will be a new life mantra: Ride the wave, Get over yourself, Be Awesome.
Check, check, and double check.
Check, check, and double check.
