Soooooooooo...remember that time I gave up singing?
Most of you know I have awful stage fright when it comes to singing. It wasn't always such. I remember clearly singing around the house when I was little and telling my mother that I sounded just like Whitney Houston. To which she replied, "...no. Not really." Even then, I was not deterred.
It had always been a hobby. Something I did as a tension release. I was in choir since I was six years old and sang in my youth group all over the world. Sure there were nerves, but I got on with it anyway and liked the feeling that I could do something well.
When I got to musical theatre school in NYC, it then became "something I do" rather than a hobby. It became a career goal and a little more pressure went on top. I also saw that though I had a "pretty" voice, there were limits to what it could do. All of the sudden words like "technique" started to matter. I was surrounded by people who could not only sing, but could sing notes that only dog's could hear. It became necessary to sing louder, higher, longer. And eventually, singing for fun no longer existed. I began to look at myself as, once again, mediocre. Something I violently shy away from as though I've put my hand on a hot stove.
Once I graduated from school, the auditions came. And auditioning, to me, is so separate from actually performing. Auditioning for musical theater, is like a circus act. Because there are SO many actors these days, and so few jobs, sometimes they give you 30 seconds to sing 8bars in which you need to sing the highest and most powerful notes at 9am in the morning. I began to have so much anxiety and singing lost its appeal. I didn't want to feel like I was competing all the time. I just wanted to enjoy a good song, tell a good story, and be part of some great music. Singing became something I dreaded. I would botch auditions, forget words, and just hate doing what I was trained to do.
I missed the days of karaoke, cabaret, or even singing in the shower. So I stopped going to musical theatre calls. And I found that I LOVED straight theatre, film, tv, and classical theatre. I liked auditioning (as much as one can like auditioning) for those jobs. It wasn't so much about competition as it was more of "playing" well with others. I took it as a sign that singing was just something I was going to do off the books.
However. The moment I made that decision, I of course have never sung more. In grad school I sang at the Globe and at the Arches in "non musical" shows. And now I have a solo in the production of "Taming of the Shrew" here in South Dakota. Granted, I did raise my hand when the director asked who wouldn't mind a solo. But I had thought it would be a quick interlude of some sorts. Instead it has become a full out opening to the entire play.
Clearly this is a big sign from baby jeezus that says, "Get the f*&k over it." So the challenge has arrived and it is a doozy. I've not sung this high, for this long, in this style, for years. The ol' voice definitely tires quickly and my legs are shaking like crazy. But I'm in it to win it now and refuse to let anyone down. And who knows, maybe I can work my way back to loving singing again.
There should be joy in it. Singing used to be like sunbathing after a long cold winter. You feel the warmth all the way to your toes. It would be nice to get to that place again.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Don't Underestimate South Dakota
I have a day off. I don't remember the last time I had a leisurely day off and a to-do list that only had one or two things on it. It is both unsettling and revealing that I've been in the City a little too long.
Thank God I took that week to be at home with my parents in Washington. Had I come straight to South Dakota, I would have been wound so tight I probably would have internally combusted. The time at home was spent running a few errands, drinking wine with my mother, watching jeopardy with my dad, and running my fundraising campaign for my project Play.Sing.Give. I'm fairly sure I don't need to tell you what that is considering I've been bombarding Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter with our posts, videos, and MEMEs. I'm incredibly proud and humbled by how well we are doing so far. Five days and we are over a quarter of the way there. And the people who have donated...I had not expected such generosity. I hadn't expected anything actually.
Everyone has gifts and talents. For me, I can run a show. I can plan it, run it, organize it, and get things moving. Fundraising and asking for help...not my gift. It actually makes me so uncomfortable that I make myself ill and lose sleep over it. I don't know why and I don't know how to get better at it. But I've given it a go anyway and I am overwhelmed by the results. That being said, it's friggin' exhausting.
South Dakota, now that was a pleasant surprise. Whatever your thoughts about the state (and I doubt any of you have been here), let me assure you, it's pretty darn great so far. Vermillion is a small college town that consists of pubs, gas stations, beauty salons, and small restaurants. Most of which are located on one of three main streets. Huge colonial houses create this intimate suburb that has gone quiet since the university let out last week. The landscape is perfectly manicured. The homes are sprawling, many of which have colorful shutters, brick chimneys, white columns, and wrap around balconies. There are two movie theatres that are located a block from each other. One has only one screen, the other only two. I hear you can see a movie with popcorn for under $10dollars.
It is clean and fresh and friendly. Everyone knows everyone and if they don't they'll find out.
The people here like to give you the history and origin of, well, pretty much everything. From the small hills in the highway, to the background of the basement ceiling and ventilation, to their own personal stories, to even the lay out of the grocery store aisles.
The Shakespeare Festival folks lent me a bicycle to get around the town. It's name is Buford and he is an old large handle-barred burnt orange bike. It took me a hot second to remember how to ride one and I was relieved to find that I hadn't forgotton how to turn. I will say that it is not the most graceful way of transport and I miss the days when I didn't feel like a complete knob getting off one. Manuevering that with my short legs is a sight to see.
I took Buford into town this morning to meet with some cast members for brunch at Cafe Brulee. I was stunned when my bill for three cups of coffee, a strawberry muffin, a side caesar salad, and a grilled cheese sandwich ended up being only ten dollars...with tip.
The house that I am staying at is one of the large historical colonials. I find it comfortable to hear the old floorboards creak. When you come down the stairs in the morning, the sun shines through the etched windows and casts rainbows on the floor.
There are two cats in the house. I am slightly allergic so I've been careful not to touch them too much. Emmy is the skittish ninja one with big green eyes and stripes. She is rarely seen but if you get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, she's usually right outside the door staring you down. I leave my room for two minutes to brush my teeth and when I come back, she's there sniffing everything I own. She hasn't quite decided whether or not she'll kill me in my sleep, I think.
Charlie is the friendly one. At two am in the morning I will wake up to a small rap on the door. I keep my door closed so that they don't sneak in and shed hair on my pillow. But Charlie is persistant. Somehow he hits the old door just right where it squeaks open and all I see is this wee gray paw push it. Then in he comes, puts his two front paws on my bed, and meows. He is gray and fluffy but with two light marks above his eyes that make him look like he has eyebrows. I think it is a losing battle with that one.
The cast of Taming of the Shrew is very nice. I don't think I've met a friendlier bunch. I've been trying extra hard to be sociable. You know me, I'm more like to do my work then go home and hibernate. Acting and socializing always leave me a bit raw and feeling exposed and I always default to going home and licking my wounds and insecurities in private. I know it is a huge failing of mine and makes me come off as bitchy, or reserved, or careless. So this time I've decided to hang out just a little longer, or say yes if I'm invited somewhere a little more often. It seems to be paying off.
I am much older than most of the cast. Many are undergrads or just graduated. We had a small gathering last night that was sponsored by the Dean of Business at the University that was at a gorgeous house on a bluff and then afterwards we went to one of the young members house. It was basically like being back in college again. Or at least it would be had I had a social life in my undergrad. I had been so focused on my business courses and so incredibly unhappy with my chosen major that I never got out and partied. So in some ways, I got a little piece of what I had missed in a "real" college experience. I also learned that I have quite the natural talent for beer pong. It's all in the elbow, friends. :)
I've missed acting immensely. That initial day when you read through the script and are reminded that fun is a part of your job. This is the first time since grad school where I am working just one job and it is acting. I concentrate on that, I am paid for that, and I love that. Of course, after the initial euphoria comes the insecurities. Did I ask too many questions? Were they stupid questions? Did I make good acting choices? Did I make ANY choices? I should have gone with my instincts. Do I have any instincts? What IS an instinct? WHO AM I?? AHHHHHHHH.
My introversion sets in and I fight my social phobias that have haunted me my entire life. It's why I don't date. It's why I don't like crowds or parties. But life doesn't halt until you can handle it, so I mutter to myself "self, get the f&*k over it" and crack on. All the while accepting that I am unintentionally more abrasive than these people because that is what I'm used to. My sweetest day will be them on their worst. For now, that's the way it is.
We've blocked the first five scenes or so and had a singing session. Funny, the minute I gave up singing, I've never sung more in my life. We all did little acapella solos so our musical director could see what he was working with. I believe we'll have some 16th Century ditties throughout the show.
I also had my first costume fitting. Whoa nelly. You guys should see this. Locked into a corset, deep brocade maroon fabric, puffy sleeves, period hat. And the words, "let's cut out more of the neck line to show off what the lord gave ya." Can't wait to post photos.
So that's where I'm at. Trying to unwind and internally settle, doing my best to focus and listen and enjoy. I am both homesick and at peace, inspired and fragile, happy and lost, hopeful and well. It feels good to speak the lines, to make discoveries, to ride a bike in the sunshine and cool breeze, and to be challenged and stretched in a healthy way.
SHAMELESS PROJECT PLUG: Please check out our indiegogo campaign for Play.Sing.Give. at :
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/play-sing-give/x/7405089#home
Thank God I took that week to be at home with my parents in Washington. Had I come straight to South Dakota, I would have been wound so tight I probably would have internally combusted. The time at home was spent running a few errands, drinking wine with my mother, watching jeopardy with my dad, and running my fundraising campaign for my project Play.Sing.Give. I'm fairly sure I don't need to tell you what that is considering I've been bombarding Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter with our posts, videos, and MEMEs. I'm incredibly proud and humbled by how well we are doing so far. Five days and we are over a quarter of the way there. And the people who have donated...I had not expected such generosity. I hadn't expected anything actually.
Everyone has gifts and talents. For me, I can run a show. I can plan it, run it, organize it, and get things moving. Fundraising and asking for help...not my gift. It actually makes me so uncomfortable that I make myself ill and lose sleep over it. I don't know why and I don't know how to get better at it. But I've given it a go anyway and I am overwhelmed by the results. That being said, it's friggin' exhausting.
South Dakota, now that was a pleasant surprise. Whatever your thoughts about the state (and I doubt any of you have been here), let me assure you, it's pretty darn great so far. Vermillion is a small college town that consists of pubs, gas stations, beauty salons, and small restaurants. Most of which are located on one of three main streets. Huge colonial houses create this intimate suburb that has gone quiet since the university let out last week. The landscape is perfectly manicured. The homes are sprawling, many of which have colorful shutters, brick chimneys, white columns, and wrap around balconies. There are two movie theatres that are located a block from each other. One has only one screen, the other only two. I hear you can see a movie with popcorn for under $10dollars.
It is clean and fresh and friendly. Everyone knows everyone and if they don't they'll find out.
The people here like to give you the history and origin of, well, pretty much everything. From the small hills in the highway, to the background of the basement ceiling and ventilation, to their own personal stories, to even the lay out of the grocery store aisles.
The Shakespeare Festival folks lent me a bicycle to get around the town. It's name is Buford and he is an old large handle-barred burnt orange bike. It took me a hot second to remember how to ride one and I was relieved to find that I hadn't forgotton how to turn. I will say that it is not the most graceful way of transport and I miss the days when I didn't feel like a complete knob getting off one. Manuevering that with my short legs is a sight to see.
I took Buford into town this morning to meet with some cast members for brunch at Cafe Brulee. I was stunned when my bill for three cups of coffee, a strawberry muffin, a side caesar salad, and a grilled cheese sandwich ended up being only ten dollars...with tip.
The house that I am staying at is one of the large historical colonials. I find it comfortable to hear the old floorboards creak. When you come down the stairs in the morning, the sun shines through the etched windows and casts rainbows on the floor.
There are two cats in the house. I am slightly allergic so I've been careful not to touch them too much. Emmy is the skittish ninja one with big green eyes and stripes. She is rarely seen but if you get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, she's usually right outside the door staring you down. I leave my room for two minutes to brush my teeth and when I come back, she's there sniffing everything I own. She hasn't quite decided whether or not she'll kill me in my sleep, I think.
Charlie is the friendly one. At two am in the morning I will wake up to a small rap on the door. I keep my door closed so that they don't sneak in and shed hair on my pillow. But Charlie is persistant. Somehow he hits the old door just right where it squeaks open and all I see is this wee gray paw push it. Then in he comes, puts his two front paws on my bed, and meows. He is gray and fluffy but with two light marks above his eyes that make him look like he has eyebrows. I think it is a losing battle with that one.
The cast of Taming of the Shrew is very nice. I don't think I've met a friendlier bunch. I've been trying extra hard to be sociable. You know me, I'm more like to do my work then go home and hibernate. Acting and socializing always leave me a bit raw and feeling exposed and I always default to going home and licking my wounds and insecurities in private. I know it is a huge failing of mine and makes me come off as bitchy, or reserved, or careless. So this time I've decided to hang out just a little longer, or say yes if I'm invited somewhere a little more often. It seems to be paying off.
I am much older than most of the cast. Many are undergrads or just graduated. We had a small gathering last night that was sponsored by the Dean of Business at the University that was at a gorgeous house on a bluff and then afterwards we went to one of the young members house. It was basically like being back in college again. Or at least it would be had I had a social life in my undergrad. I had been so focused on my business courses and so incredibly unhappy with my chosen major that I never got out and partied. So in some ways, I got a little piece of what I had missed in a "real" college experience. I also learned that I have quite the natural talent for beer pong. It's all in the elbow, friends. :)
I've missed acting immensely. That initial day when you read through the script and are reminded that fun is a part of your job. This is the first time since grad school where I am working just one job and it is acting. I concentrate on that, I am paid for that, and I love that. Of course, after the initial euphoria comes the insecurities. Did I ask too many questions? Were they stupid questions? Did I make good acting choices? Did I make ANY choices? I should have gone with my instincts. Do I have any instincts? What IS an instinct? WHO AM I?? AHHHHHHHH.
My introversion sets in and I fight my social phobias that have haunted me my entire life. It's why I don't date. It's why I don't like crowds or parties. But life doesn't halt until you can handle it, so I mutter to myself "self, get the f&*k over it" and crack on. All the while accepting that I am unintentionally more abrasive than these people because that is what I'm used to. My sweetest day will be them on their worst. For now, that's the way it is.
We've blocked the first five scenes or so and had a singing session. Funny, the minute I gave up singing, I've never sung more in my life. We all did little acapella solos so our musical director could see what he was working with. I believe we'll have some 16th Century ditties throughout the show.
I also had my first costume fitting. Whoa nelly. You guys should see this. Locked into a corset, deep brocade maroon fabric, puffy sleeves, period hat. And the words, "let's cut out more of the neck line to show off what the lord gave ya." Can't wait to post photos.
So that's where I'm at. Trying to unwind and internally settle, doing my best to focus and listen and enjoy. I am both homesick and at peace, inspired and fragile, happy and lost, hopeful and well. It feels good to speak the lines, to make discoveries, to ride a bike in the sunshine and cool breeze, and to be challenged and stretched in a healthy way.
SHAMELESS PROJECT PLUG: Please check out our indiegogo campaign for Play.Sing.Give. at :
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/play-sing-give/x/7405089#home
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