A bum on the
subway once tried to buy me for a dollar. I could have taken it as
flattery, I suppose. His last dollar and he wants to use it on me. Or I
could have been insulted. How dare he think I only cost a
buck! Instead, I turned away from him and pondered what on earth gave
him the impression that I was a hooker. Was the sweatshirt I was wearing that evening too revealing?
Was it because he was there for
my 2nd semester of AMDA when all I was cast as was the Madam of the
brothel?
During said pondering, the bum decided that he would put his
hands on my bum. Now. Here's the point to the story. You never know
whether you are a fight or flight kind of person until your instincts
are tested. At that moment of supreme shock, one would either A) scream
and run. Begging some big burly man to be your knight in shining
armor. or B) pivot, turn, clench your fists, cock back your arm, and pummel
the bum. Well, apparently B is my go to instinctual choice. Luckily I
had friends with me who did the "Mommy arm" and blocked me from getting
to him. After I had cooled down I thought about those reflexes and
nodded, "good to know."
I'm not a huge advocate for violence. Actually, I think it
would've been incredibly stupid to have attacked that bum. But it is
always good to know how one works internally.
I bring this
up because I'm putting myself in a huge Fight or Flight situation. My
goal is to produce and act in one of my favorite plays this Fall. I
want it to be good. Great. Stellar. I want it to make money that will
then go to charity. I want to attempt to use the "dark" days of the
theatre as a Cabaret platform for emerging
artists who need a space to perform but don't have the funds to rent one
and don't want to ask their friends for a friggin' two drink minimum.
This will be a huge challenge for me. It will make me
incredibly uncomfortable. It will demand time, money, and networking
that I don't necessarily have but will have to find. It will put me in a
place of failing. Big.
It will make me ask for help from people that I'm not sure I
can count on. I will risk being disappointed if things don't work
out. People might say NO. For someone who rarely depends on others,
this will be almost unbearable.
I will have to do much of this while working three jobs,
travelling around the country, training for a half marathon, and still
trying to keep healthy.
This makes me want to run. Take flight. In the escape sense. Not the "I Believe I Can Fly" R Kelly kind of way.
But I want it.
I want to do something I can be
damn proud of. I want to collaborate. I want to help my incredibly
talented friends. I want to give back to charity. I want to entertain
the crap out of the industry and audience. And I want to Fight.
This year has been many things so far. And one of those
things is testing limits. I put a cap on my abilities a long time ago.
Lately, I've been pushing hard at the fictitional ceiling I created and
putting myself in the line of fire. If it scares me, it means I might
learn something. Lord knows I've still got a LOT to learn. And I need
to remember that I can be great at something. I think this might be
it.
Already I've gotten a lot of NO's and roadblocks. But God willing,
I'm going to pivot, turn, clench my fists, cock back my arm, and pummel
each one. And if that doesn't work, I'll finesse, pray, negotiate, ask
for help, and relish in the success that I want this to be.
So. Stay tuned for future updates on the project. Help out
if you can and are so inclined. And if you see me walking around
Manhattan lookin' like I've lost a marble or two, be kind and talk me
off the ledge.
Cheers.
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