Soooooooooo...remember that time I gave up singing?
Most of you know I have awful stage fright when it comes to singing. It wasn't always such. I remember clearly singing around the house when I was little and telling my mother that I sounded just like Whitney Houston. To which she replied, "...no. Not really." Even then, I was not deterred.
It had always been a hobby. Something I did as a tension release. I was in choir since I was six years old and sang in my youth group all over the world. Sure there were nerves, but I got on with it anyway and liked the feeling that I could do something well.
When I got to musical theatre school in NYC, it then became "something I do" rather than a hobby. It became a career goal and a little more pressure went on top. I also saw that though I had a "pretty" voice, there were limits to what it could do. All of the sudden words like "technique" started to matter. I was surrounded by people who could not only sing, but could sing notes that only dog's could hear. It became necessary to sing louder, higher, longer. And eventually, singing for fun no longer existed. I began to look at myself as, once again, mediocre. Something I violently shy away from as though I've put my hand on a hot stove.
Once I graduated from school, the auditions came. And auditioning, to me, is so separate from actually performing. Auditioning for musical theater, is like a circus act. Because there are SO many actors these days, and so few jobs, sometimes they give you 30 seconds to sing 8bars in which you need to sing the highest and most powerful notes at 9am in the morning. I began to have so much anxiety and singing lost its appeal. I didn't want to feel like I was competing all the time. I just wanted to enjoy a good song, tell a good story, and be part of some great music. Singing became something I dreaded. I would botch auditions, forget words, and just hate doing what I was trained to do.
I missed the days of karaoke, cabaret, or even singing in the shower. So I stopped going to musical theatre calls. And I found that I LOVED straight theatre, film, tv, and classical theatre. I liked auditioning (as much as one can like auditioning) for those jobs. It wasn't so much about competition as it was more of "playing" well with others. I took it as a sign that singing was just something I was going to do off the books.
However. The moment I made that decision, I of course have never sung more. In grad school I sang at the Globe and at the Arches in "non musical" shows. And now I have a solo in the production of "Taming of the Shrew" here in South Dakota. Granted, I did raise my hand when the director asked who wouldn't mind a solo. But I had thought it would be a quick interlude of some sorts. Instead it has become a full out opening to the entire play.
Clearly this is a big sign from baby jeezus that says, "Get the f*&k over it." So the challenge has arrived and it is a doozy. I've not sung this high, for this long, in this style, for years. The ol' voice definitely tires quickly and my legs are shaking like crazy. But I'm in it to win it now and refuse to let anyone down. And who knows, maybe I can work my way back to loving singing again.
There should be joy in it. Singing used to be like sunbathing after a long cold winter. You feel the warmth all the way to your toes. It would be nice to get to that place again.
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